An Epic Pain in the Ass
Although never surpassing Hitler’s SS in fashion, Mussolini’s Blackshirts were certainly just as terrible and tyrannical. As a student of history, I thought that a black shirt could never cause as much trouble, pain, and general consternation as it had in the days of Fascist Italy. I was wrong.
My fiancee started a new job. Her uniform, which she had to acquire for herself, consists of black pants, black shoes, and a plain, black, button-down shirt. The pants were no problem; she already owned several pair. The shoes proved to be simple as well. We found them in Payless. It took all of five minutes to try them on and buy them. The shirt… Well… Add a mythical power and a menacing villain, and Spielberg has his next Indiana Jones movie.
After leaving Payless, Niki and I wheeled right and entered Dots, a trendy, usually inexpensive women’s clothing store. As Niki searched the racks, I walked up to a saleswoman and asked her, “Excuse me, but we’re looking for a plain, conservative, black, button-down shirt.” The saleswoman grimaced and shook her head. “Nope,” she replied with sympathy. “You won’t find anything like that here. All they’re sending us is this Austin Powers shit.”
Indeed, as I turned about and glanced at the inventory, there was nothing but flowery, frilly fashions filling their hooks and hotspots. So, off we went to the next store… and the next… and the next… and the next… Every shirt we found was either too fancy, too low cut, or way too expensive. More Austin Powers shit. Three malls, eight establishments, and two hours later, Niki finally found the shirt she needed in a discount menagerie called Steve & Barry’s. Actually she found two:
One was hanging on an easily accessible rack. The other was displayed on a bust, fifteen feet in the air. I walked over to the cashier’s desk and asked the man with “manager” on his name tag if someone could bring down that other shirt. “Well,” he asked, “are you going to purchase it?”
At this point, I felt as if my eyes could shoot lazers. Had they really been able to, that bald idiot would have been a pile of ashes. “Well,” I said between clenched teeth, “how the hell am I supposed to know that before I know what size it is?” Niki pushed the button on her remote for my shock collar and I calmed down. Mr. Manager summoned a minion, the shirt was removed from its perch, and being the correct size, we bought it. The Quest for the Black Shirt was over.
Skip ahead a few days… The shoes that Niki had purchased at Payless proved to be a bit tighter than she had originally thought. No big deal. She just needed to find some leather softener. Bullshit! We went back to Payless, but they didn’t carry such products. My mistake for thinking that a shoe store would stock shoe-care products. So off we went to Target. No luck. We tried another shoe store. Nope. I turned to Niki and said, “That’s it. We’re done. We’re not going on another adventure like the one for the shirt.” She agreed and we went home, where she employed her own method for softening her shoes, through which she discovered that cocoa butter is not just for stretch marks.
So, what the hell is wrong with this country? Why is it such an epic undertaking to find simple products these days? Of course, the leather softener I should have expected not to find. After all, leather shoes aren’t really leather anymore. Since most of them are made in China, the “leather” is actually harvested from the hides of their political dissidents. But clothing in general is ridiculous, especially women’s clothing and more especially women’s underwear. Why the hell does it cost so much for a bra? Call me crazy, but I don’t believe a woman should have to pay $50 or more just to keep her boobs from knocking around. However, I and people who think like I do, have become the unreasonable ones.
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The one thing I find missing in nearly every retail establishment is competence. Here is a very easy experiment to prove that our nation is being overrun by the plague of stupidity. Go to any fast food drive-thru four times in one week and order more than four items each time. Then see how many times the morons screw up your order. It’s scary. It’s no wonder we have a guy named Barak Hussein Obama in serious contention to be our next president. This is serious shit. American ingenuity built this country and now American stupidity can destroy it! As far as bras and panties are concerned–John you are just jealous–as am I—I wish I could come up with a product that cost ten cents to make and then sell it for $50.00! They plaster the store with pictures of gorgeous half-naked supermodels for the men to look at while the women shop. By the time you reach the register your woman is looking like Heidi Klum and your reaching for YOUR wallet to pay the hot looking clerk! After that roll of quarters you had in your pocket for the whole ride home is spent in 15 minutes, you come to realize that it’s not Heidi Klum laying next to you and you just spent $50.00 on a pair of panties! God Bless America and God Bless Capitalism!
Taking on Payless and various malls now, are you? What’s next, the DMV? Doctor’s offices waiting rooms? Get ‘em!
I’m gonna go tear Sheetz a new asshole now, with the price of their sandwiches and such.
Sheetz is rather expensive, and their 99 cent sandwiches taste like Play-Doh. Perhaps we should storm them with pitch forks and torches.
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Political dissidents? That’s outrageous. Dissidents are notoriously pasty.
diesel’s last blog post…Nobody Does it Better
giggles at the ‘new community of comical writers,’ which i’m sure includes a certain auctioneer i know…
ummm. regarding shopping, this is exactly why i don’t take my husband with me. i don’t like him complaining what things cost. he doesn’t understand most shops have bra clubs which offer free bras or volume discounts. he doesn’t understand how hard it is to even get a bra that fits.
your fiancee is very patient with you, be good to her.
did you try a black and white store? also, must underground shops have what you’re looking for.
Seraphine’s last blog post…If you value my advice, do what you want.
Not a huge amount of those underground shops in the Scranton Area…
And I am good to her… Very good.
Over here from the humorbloggers: You can find leather softener at the shoe extravaganza places like SHOE CARNIVAL. And shame . on . you! Your poor love goddess is trying to obey the disciplinarian nazis at her new job and you decide to play RAMBO on her.
dana’s last blog post…WHO IS YOUR CELEBRITY LOOK-ALIKE ?
How the hell did I become the bad guy here?
Your narrative on the guy who didn’t want to take the shirt off the mannequin unless you were going to buy it just shows how LAZY people are these days. They shouldn’t actually have to WORK for a living. What a stupid thing for him to say.
If had the balls, I would have raised my voice and said something like, “OH I’M SORRY, ARE YOU JUST THE CASHIER? IS THIS A SELF-SERVE STORE? SHOULD I JUST TAKE THE SHIRT OFF THE MANNEQUIN MYSELF? OR SHOULD I ASK THE MANAGER? WOULD THE MANAGER KNOW THE ANSWER TO MY QUESTION? ARE YOU QUALIFIED TO ANSWER QUESTIONS - JUST BEING A CASHIER AND ALL?
Margaret (Nanny Goats)’s last blog post…A Small Case of Attempted Murder