THE AUTHORING AUCTIONEER

the infinite wisdom of humanity in short bursts

There are things uttered by the human animal that, when taken out of context, create their own existential hilarity.  The following were all personally heard by me and spoken without any attempt to be comical or profound, meeting the criteria for earning Quote of the Week.  I never quote myself.  Most are attributed to my father (John Sr.) or my younger brother (Carlo).  Exceptions are otherwise noted.  Enjoy!  - John J Savo

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“Does that say five to one? What the fuck is going on today?”

- Carlo [11/16/08]

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Quoted Previously:

“That son of a bitch doesn’t look like it will bite you, but it’s short.” - John Sr. [11/08/08]

“We gotta check that nugget out!” - John Sr. [11/02/08]

“I’ve never seen so much fucking corn in my life.” - Carlo [10/26/08]

“I hate when I have pockets now.” - John Sr. [10/19/08]

“I’ve never busted the ass out of a pair of jeans.” - John Sr. [10/12/08]

“I did my own share of whackin’ last night. I still didn’t get a commission.” - Bill, a client [10/05/08]

“Morning. I’d say good morning, but I’d be a fucking liar.” - how a person began a phone conversation with me [09/28/08]

“I can’t fucking jump anymore!” - John Sr. [09/21/08]

“We can’t digest corn; it doesn’t kill us. It just comes out on a different cob.” - Carlo [09/14/08]

“He should die and go away, too.” - John Sr. [09/07/08]

“I must have hit some button I don’t know anything about.” - John Sr. [08/31/08]

“They don’t make rubber like they used to.” - a client [08/24/08]

“This is like a monument to stupidity over here.” - Carlo, while examining some merchandise [08/17/08]

“(BURPPPP!) How’s that sound?” - John Sr. while talking on the phone to his wife/my mom [08/10/08]

“It’s like giving a monkey a football…” - Jim, a friend and client [07/27/08]

“What do you call bees that make milk and not honey? Boo-Bees!” - a joke my little sister, Rebecca, told during an auction [07/20/08]

“I can’t even fuckin’ feel paper anymore.” - Larry, a friend [07/13/08]

“I want to be the slap master.” - John Sr. [07/06/08]

“These ladies make ugly quilts for the homeless.” - a client [06/29/08]

“Five dollars a duck… What the fuck…” - Carlo [06/22/08]

“She filled her Depends right up. ’Plttttttttt! Huh?’” - Carlo [06/15/08]

“Givin’ her a fuckin’ with a nine-iron…” - my brother, Joseph [06/08/08]

“You dumb, crooked, fuckin’ dick!” - John Sr. [06/01/08]

“He has length, but no width.” - John Sr. [05/25/08]

“That’s good towel.” - John Sr. [05/18/08]

“That freakin’ hump is going to kill me.” - John Sr. [05/11/08]

“These fucking crackers are like eating cardboard.” - John Sr. [05/04/08]

“Sheds are like penises: they’re never big enough.” - Larry, a friend [04/28/08]

“Then buy a Durango and be unhappy!” - my brother, Joseph [04/20/08]

“I love it when my mind takes me places I don’t need to go.” - John Sr. [04/13/08]

“I forgot to fucking brush my teeth.  Son of a bitch!” - Carlo [04/06/08]

“The first robin I see, I’m gonna grab it and fuck it!” - Larry, a friend [03/30/08]

“It’s hard to get dressed with one hand.” - John Sr. [03/23/08]

“Fuck gold! Buy nuts!” - Carlo [03/16/08]

“Fuck my hat then!” - John Sr. [03/09/08]

“I over-nuked the fucking bun!” - John Sr. [03/02/08]

“That’s an old fucking stump!” - Carlo [02/17/08]

“I’m going to use my hard-on to take this bed apart.” - Carlo [02/03/08]

“I’m afraid you might be prejudice,” said a black woman when I wouldn’t let her register for the auction because she didn’t have proper ID. [01/20/08]

“That’s the dumbest goddamn fruit I’ve ever seen in my life.” - John Sr. [01/06/08]

“All my fucking sugar clumped up!” - John Sr. [12/16/07]

“Hey! Bite your own dick!” said a man to his dog. [12/02/07]

“Oh that’s old… Oh that’s old… Oh that’s old… Oh that’s old… Oh that’s old… Oh that’s old…” - just keep repeating it [11/18/07]

“Every time I come down here I forget I want to stop and get salt.” - John Sr. [11/04/07]

“Oh my God. The world is covered in assholes.” - my fiancee, Niki [10/21/07]

“Yep. It’s off,” said Carlo when one or our trailers popped off the hitch while driving. [10/07/07]

“I never make any decisions in the winter.” - PML, a friend [09/30/07]

“The only thing with that tile is you can’t go beat your meat on it.” - John Sr. [09/23/07]

“Man, that’s a nasty little cloud!” - John Sr. [09/03/07]

“I’m a dumpster slut.” - a client and friend [08/27/07]

“There are very few idiots left,” said Bob, regarding those willing to stay in or start working in the auction/antique trade. [08/20/07]

“I’m not sweating; I’m wetting myself,” said my elderly neighbor as she poured water on herself. [08/13/07]

“If you don’t know what you’re doing, you shouldn’t be in the hole!” - my brother Joseph [08/06/07]

“Shit! I forgot my fucking pork chops! Goddammit!” - John Sr. [07/02/07]

“I get red because I have Rosacia. He gets red because he has pissed-offness.” - as explained by A.M., a client [06/25/07]

“There’s gotta be an easier way.” - the Mantra of Bob [06/18/07]

“How about you take your finger, shove it up your ass, and spit on it?” - from the John Sr. Archives [06/11/07]

“I greased it earlier, so it shouldn’t be as hard.” - John Sr. [06/04/07]

“I get these pains, man, in my toes…” - John Sr. [05/14/07]

“You’re like a rusty nail and you’re blaming me for leaving you out in the weather.” - from the John Sr. Archives [05/07/07]

“It was like a firehose. I couldn’t get to the bathroom fast enough.” - Jim, a friend & client [04/30/07]

“Guys want to talk to pretty girls. I’m a pretty girl. Maybe I could stick my fist in my mouth.” - a girl at a bar after an auction. [04/23/07]

“Do we have another Jesus?” - from the John Sr. Archives, in honor of Easter. [04/09/07]

“Oh, God. I don’t ever want to move again. I hope I just die.” - an elderly neighbor we helped move to a new apartment. [04/02/07]

“No one plays the violin around here.” - a man off the street, who is obviously smarter than I am. [03/26/07]

“Like a rubber band around a loaf of bread…” - my friend, Bob [03/19/07]

“She had a body like a brick shithouse and a face like one, too.” - John Sr. [03/12/07]

“Now, you take a prostitute. Her day is never done.” - Joe L., a friend & client [03/04/07]

“I hate old fucks on bicycles.” - John Sr. [02/25/07]

“I got you some feet.” - John Sr. [02/18/07]

“Fuckin’ A! My head’s cold!” - John Sr. [02/11/07]

“Goddammit! You should see the meat in this market!” - John Sr. [02/04/07]

“I’ll eat you like a loaf of bread. I don’t want to hear any shit!” - John Sr. [01/28/07]

“He who controls others may be powerful, but he who has mastered himself is mightier still.” - a fortune cookie [01/21/07]

“It’s like a monkey and a retard built a house.” - Carlo [01/14/07]

“I hate this fucking seatbelt. I can’t get to my pocket!” - John Sr. [01/07/07]

“Why would you play with a guy in an old truck? Leave him alone.” - my friend, Bob [12/24/06]

“They were attacked by giant freakin’ rabbits.” - John Sr. [12/17/06]

“You smell like the Don.” - Little Rebecca [12/10/06]

“It feels like I’ve been shot in the back of the legs.” - John Sr. [12/3/06]

“Good things happen to bad people!” - John Sr. [11/26/06]

“NO SOLICITATION/Please Stay Off The Roof” - as printed on a sign behind our auction gallery [11/12/06]

“That’s some tough fucking hose!” - John Sr. [11/5/06]

“I’m going to start a school for turning corners.” - John Sr., while driving [10/29/06]

“What’s this? Some kind of dildo?” - a client [10/22/06]