Although never surpassing Hitler’s SS in fashion, Mussolini’s Blackshirts were certainly just as terrible and tyrannical. As a student of history, I thought that a black shirt could never cause as much trouble, pain, and general consternation as it had in the days of Fascist Italy. I was wrong.

My fiancee started a new job. Her uniform, which she had to acquire for herself, consists of black pants, black shoes, and a plain, black, button-down shirt. The pants were no problem; she already owned several pair. The shoes proved to be simple as well. We found them in Payless. It took all of five minutes to try them on and buy them. The shirt… Well… Add a mythical power and a menacing villain, and Spielberg has his next Indiana Jones movie.

This week, I find myself within a maelstrom of distraction.  Before the publication of this article, many others hatched from my over-taxed brain only to be snuffed out by lack of inspiration, much like newborn sea turtles are gobbled up by birds before they can cross the beach and enter the ocean.  Yet, fear not!  I will not leave [...]

What would happen to a chipmunk that was too stupid to eat a nut?  It would die wouldn’t it?  Likewise, if a shark was too dumb to keep swimming, it would surely perish.  Indeed, if any animal upon this Earth lacked the necessary brain power to survive, Nature would eliminate it so it couldn’t breed [...]

Indeed, the Apocalypse may be nigh, for people have lost their bloody minds.  An asteroid wiped out the dinosaurs about 65 million years ago.  Mathematical chance should have already sent another rock of devastation to wipe clean the slate of Earth’s theater.  I, however, believe that there is an alien ship patrolling our solar system, [...]

Everyone lies.  If someone tells you, “I never lie,” then that person is lying.  Sometimes it is necessary to lie.  In war, lives may depend on a well executed feint.  Other times, it is advantageous to lie.  After all, bluffing in poker is nothing more than relaying an untruth through betting.  Lies, lies, lies.  Everyone lies.
Most [...]

Philosophy, analysis, and logic cannot always find answers for the asinine.  Certainly, there are situations and moments that escape explanation and can only be appreciated or gawked at for their pure absurdity.  “What the hell?” is a rhetorical question used when there are no answers and an exclamation of disbelief is needed.  If my father or wife had written this [...]

Ever nearer grows that sweet, sweet conclusion called insanity.  My mind swirls and turns, knowing not which way lies the path that can liberate me from the evidential crumbling of common sense and the death of humanity.  With each new achievement, with each new advancement, and with each new gadget, we seem to lose a [...]

A family can be an awful thing, especially when its members are petty, spiteful, and downright ugly.  Too many times in my adventures have I seen a situation where a parent or grandparent has passed away and the surviving relatives encircle the estate of the deceased like ravenous buzzards.  Right away, sister fights sister, brother [...]

Think about some monumental figures of history: Alexander the Great, Julius Caesar, Jesus of Nazareth, Richard the Lionheart, Joan d’Arc, Martin Luther, George Washington, Napoleon, Ulysses Grant, Eleanor Roosevelt, Adolf Hitler, Bill Clinton… The list can go on and on.  Indeed, I can add hundreds, even thousands of names to that list.  The annals of time remember [...]

Moses is said to have transformed his staff into a snake, Jesus  turned water into wine, and YouTube morphed Chris Crocker into a celebrity and earned him an entry into the annals of Wikipedia.  Moses… Jesus… YouTube: Members of a legacy of miracle workers of which we, the Savo Auctioneers, are a not a part.  Indeed, despite the rumors… despite the [...]

Several weeks ago, I climbed my soapbox to bitch about those who wander into the gallery at zero hour and ask where the auction takes place.  This week, I would like to tell you, my valued readers, about the cousin of the aforementioned dimwit.  For a similarly stupid, yet somehow more ignorant creature wanders into [...]

It’s an hour before auction time.  Previewers are buzzing about the gallery, inspecting this and that, writing down lot numbers, and munching on hotdogs.  As I move among the customers, greeting them and shooting the shit, I see someone wander through the front door whom I haven’t seen before.  I let him walk around for [...]

We, the Savo Auctioneers, haven’t a videophone.  Neither do we have a crystal ball, nor do we have clairvoyance enough to know exactly the item someone may be trying to describe over the phone.  I know… go figure. 

When I look upon the magnificence of the Empire State Building or the majesty of the Nicholson Bridge, I wonder how the generation that created such wonders in the first third of the 20th century could also create some of the dumbest, most asinine, ball-busting houses ever made.  I become bewildered at how an American society with [...]

Be not despondent and abandon your mortification.  For my goal, which I pray that I accomplish each week, is to make you laugh or just smile a thoughtful smile, even when I am ranting and being mean.  Hence, I beg you to judge me not.  For I cannot help that stupidity vexes me to be [...]

It is my belief that the first sign of the Apocolypse came with the invention of the telemarketing firm.  Looking for a way to inspire evil thoughts and foul language in God’s children, Satan erected buildings filled with cubicles and telephones.  The Dark Prince then assembled armies of demons to sit in these cubicles and [...]