THE AUTHORING AUCTIONEER

There are some less-than-fully-functional people out there, who believe that Jesus and Elvis were and are the same person.  Well, come on now.  It could be possible.  After all, there are some very peculiar and uncanny similarities between the two of them.

Jesus was the King of the Jews.  Elvis was the King of Rock-n-Roll.  Both were very popular and created huge followings.  The Bible says that Jesus ascended into heaven.  Crazy people say that Elvis did, too, but on an alien ship.  And both have had portraits of them painted upon velvet!  Weird, huh?

Let’s be frank.  Nothing looks good on velvet except an actual live naked woman.  Some of my fellow Italians have and do believe that dozens of gold necklaces look spectacular draped over the collars of velvet jumpsuits.  This, of course, is a false presumption and only helped to give birth to the backronym of IROC: Italian Retard Out Cruising.  However, as ghastly as this abomination is, it pales in comparison to the ultimate velvet perversion.  That is, the painting of portraits upon it.

I have been shown such artwork–if it can be called that–in dozens of estates.  I have been queried about such textile portraiture over the phone time and time again.  My response to the enthusiam exhibited by the owners of this ridiculous medium is usually one that bursts bubbles.

Velvet paintings of Jesus, Elvis, clowns, or anything are not rare.  Neither are they valuable.  Many of them seem to have been painted in the 60s and 70s, therefore standing as indisputable testimony that marijuana, LSD, and other psychotropic drugs can only mar society.

If you have one of these velvet abhorations and enjoy it, then good for you.  Just don’t ever think it is or ever will be valuable or that anyone else would ever want to hang it on the wall.

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