The Authoring Auctioneer

And Now a Penis Monologue

John J Savo — Wed, 19 Nov 2008 05:12:50 +0000

We Americans enjoy many freedoms: Freedom of speech. Freedom of the press. Freedom of religion. Freedom to follow our dreams and create our own destinies. And the freedom to jerk off anonymously. That's right... We American men can get paid to donate sperm, the recipients of which are usually never given the knowledge as to who exactly splooged in the cup. Not so in Great Britain.

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Inappropriate Musicals

John J Savo — Sat, 15 Nov 2008 07:36:33 +0000

I don't particularly care for opera, but it is consistent. All the dialogue is sung. Ballet bores me to tears. But again, it is consistent. It remains retarded throughout an entire performance of the unsexiest dancing ever conceived. Musicals, however... Oh, how I loathe them! Oh, how I despise them! Oh, how I hate their schizophrenic foolery. One minute, characters are engaging in mindless, over-exaggerated dialogue. The next, a melody magically floats into the scene sans instruments...

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Irritate v. Annoy

John J Savo — Wed, 12 Nov 2008 02:55:34 +0000

Leave it to the British to take something fun and make it horrifically boring. Researchers at Oxford University claim that they have compiled a list of the "top ten most irritating phrases" used in the English language. They did this with some kind of omniscient computer database that monitors English in its spoken and written forms. Actually, the story is a bit foggy. I'm a bit unclear as to how they came up with this list, which is comprised of what these researchers claim are the most...

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Change for the Homeless

John J Savo — Sat, 08 Nov 2008 03:59:39 +0000

Thomas Baldwin, a 67-year-old resident of Bellingham, Washington, made news himself when he bought 10,000 copies of The Bellingham Herald's election wrap-up edition. Yes! He purchased--at 50 cents a piece--10,000 copies of the same issue of one newspaper... And why? Well, Mr. Baldwin believes that this particular edition will become a collector's item and be worth oodles of money because the cover has a picture of America's first ever black president-elect and a headline that reads "Obama...

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My Own Vagina Monologue

John J Savo — Sat, 01 Nov 2008 04:05:49 +0000

The Oxford English Dictionary contains definitions for over 600,000 words, but it hasn't been updated since 1933. Some estimate that there are now over 750,000 words in the English language (15,000 of them being invented by George W. Bush... e.g. "strategery") and many of them are synonymous. Indeed, one definition may share dozens of words. Variety is the spice of life, and as a writer, I like having options. After all, sometimes a word just isn't powerful enough. Describing someone as...

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Oh, Brother Chair, Where Art Thou?

John J Savo — Thu, 30 Oct 2008 01:52:52 +0000

It matters not whether it's a kitchenette, a dinette, a luncheonette, or an entire dining room suite. Whatever class of familial eat-at-and-bicker-furniture it is, it was originally sold with an even number of chairs. Even, as in divisible by two. Even, as in initially coming with four chairs... six chairs... eight chairs... Sometimes as many as 10 or 12 chairs. Yet, at least half of the dining ensembles I find in estates are missing one. These abominations I have officially classified as...

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Polo’s Problem

John J Savo — Sat, 25 Oct 2008 06:57:40 +0000

Mr. Polo is a 36-year-old, good natured widower. He's six feet tall with dark hair and big, soulful eyes. He is bilingual, understanding both Kannada and English. Originally from Africa, he is well traveled. Having spent some time in Ireland, he now lives in the Orient. He is a rare creature and easily adorable, the likes of which have become endangered in this world. He has many friends and admirers, but he is lonely. Despite the best efforts of those closest to him, he has been unable...

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The Greatest Disappointment

John J Savo — Wed, 22 Oct 2008 02:51:36 +0000

Expectations can be ugly bastard children born from unreasonable dreams and over-optimistic minds. Case in point: The Baby Boomers. They can be likened to the spoiled little brat who receives a plethora of wonderful and expensive gifts on Christmas morning, but decries them because he didn't get that one special piece of useless shit that he had so been hoping for with all his pre-adolescent might. Why? Well, despite rising from the primitive state of three television stations and crackly AM...

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Gone to the Dogs

John J Savo — Wed, 15 Oct 2008 05:05:43 +0000

"Let everything that hath breath praise the Lord." - Psalm 150:6. Rev. Rachel Bickford had an epiphany when she read that verse, and so she instituted Sunday evening Woof 'n' Worship services at the Pilgrim Congregational Church in North Weymouth, Massachusetts. Yes. Feeling that religion in general needed one more thing over which to be ridiculed, Rev. Bickford is now holding services for dogs and their owners. (One woman even brought her ailing Bernese to be blessed, hoping that the power...

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Her Future Dyed

John J Savo — Sun, 12 Oct 2008 15:07:03 +0000

What is independence? Well, I was raised to understand that independence is taking responsibility for our own actions. Independence is self-determination. Independence is how we want to live our lives, and if along the way we make mistakes, we blame ourselves. Independence is not making excuses. It is not looking to the government for solutions. It is not believing that we are entitled to anything except life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. Independence is not suing L'Oreal when...

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