Free Range Fools and Pissing in the Wind
What would happen to a chipmunk that was too stupid to eat a nut? It would die wouldn’t it? Likewise, if a shark was too dumb to keep swimming, it would surely perish. Indeed, if any animal upon this Earth lacked the necessary brain power to survive, Nature would eliminate it so it couldn’t breed and create more free range fools. Such mental defficiency, however, is rare within the animal kingdom, for Nature saw fit to equip her subjects with instincts. We humans were also granted this gift, but we seem to have traded in all of our instincts–all of our common sense–for cell phones and Internet porn.
This week I observed that much like a deer freezes at the sight of headlights, certain people freeze at the sight of my gallery being empty and allow themselves to be run over by a metaphysical tri-axle overloaded with fresh mounds of ignorance. Yes, in the days following a sale, Rebecca’s Auction Gallery is emptied out by those who purchased the goods that stood within it. A normal person understands this and knows that more goods will be arriving for the next auction.
However, those who freeze at the horror of the emptiness and allow themselves to be struck by the aforementioned tri-axle, somehow decide that the lack of inventory means that we, the Savo Auctioneers, have gone out of business and are closing shop. I jest you not! On more than one occassion this week, people have wandered through the doors, and upon seeing bare floors and walls, have turned to me and said one of the following:
- “Oh, aren’t you doing this anymore?”
- “What, are you moving?”
- “What, are you going out of business?”
And I want to know right now. Call me, e-mail me, sing me a funny song. Whatever! I want to know right now: Is there a Stupid Question Club? Seriously, because the dumb questions seem to come in spurts. One week I hear repeatedly, “Where do you have the auction?” The next week, I am bombarded by, “Is this all you do?” The week after that, the popular query might be, “Where’s all the fishing stuff?” So I want to know: Is there a Stupid Question Club that meets every Sunday and decides what the dumbass question of the week is going to be? Do they then unleash themselves upon the world, an army bent on global bewilderment, armed with questions to make the sensible scratch our skulls until our brains leak out? Ha! I’m on to you, you bastards! Now reveal yourselves!
Changing gears… Please watch the video below before you continue to read. If you don’t see it, just refresh this page and then hit play…
Now, forgive me. For the following lacks my usual eloquence and promises to contain much profanity. Motherfucker! Talk about free range fools. Damn it, where to start? The only way to put this dumb bitch, Karen, in her place is to take each item one at a time.
Barbie Dolls: Do you have 90,000 Barbies to sell at an average of $22 each? Probably not. Most of you won’t have the 1959 Brunette Barbie either. Why? The ‘59 Blonde and Brunette in the zebra-stripe swimsuit were the very first Barbies to be released to the public. They’re very rare. Miss Karen claims that a 1959 Brunette sold for $6,000 on eBay. Of course it did! That’s what it’s suppose to do! But then Karen goes on to say, “…So if you have a brunette in your collection maybe she’ll go for more money.” What? There are a lot of brunette Barbies. But guess what? If it’s a 1999 (not a 1959) it’s not worth dick!
Comic Books: Again, do you have 14,000 comic books to sell on eBay at the average price of $14.90? Actually, a serious comic book collector probably has 14,000 comic books or more. In fact, I auctioned a collection in January of 2006 that contained 86,000 comics. However, if you don’t know what you’re doing when you go to sell them, you’re going to get burned.
Baseball Cards: Okay. So 25,000 cards sold on eBay last month for an average of $19.37. Not very impressive is it? You know why? Because most cards out there are from 1980 to the present, and most of them I could use to wipe my ass, because that’s what they’re worth. Shit! But, oh wait! One card did $11,000? Well fuck! It was a 1948 Bowman Red Shoendiest, a super rare card. Karen also left out the fact that that particular card was probably professionally graded. Do you have a 1948 Red Shoendiest? Do you? Well?
Cabbage Patch Kids: Oh, my favorite. Fuck me sideways and call me Nancy! Karen, the ditzy broad, misspoke. She said one doll sold for $750, when in fact it was a collection of original dolls from 1979 that was autographed. Want the real skinny on Cabbage Patch Kids? Click here.
Perhaps I seem bitter. Well, I am. I am sick and tired of fools like Karen getting on TV and telling the public that it’s so easy to make money on eBay. Well, it’s not. And if any you reading this are eBay sellers, you know what I’m talking about. Junk is junk. Good is good. Great is great. That’s whether you sell online or at live auction. If you don’t know what you’re doing, if you don’t know how to list your items, you’re just pissing in the wind.
For those of you who don’t sell at live auction or on eBay, or who don’t understand where this anger of mine is coming from, let me put it to you this way. If you found a suspicious looking mole somewhere on your skin, and you wanted to find out whether or not it was cancer, would you come to me, a writer and an auctioneer? Would you, yourself, cut out the mole, stick it in the freezer, slice it up, look at it under a microscope and decide for yourself if you had cancer? NO FUCKING WAY! Wouldn’t you go to a doctor? So then why, if you have stuff to sell, why wouldn’t you seek out a professional? I rest my case…
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What about all those rare JFK items! Now that brother Ted is “crossing that bridge” and the Kennedy Clan will be a relegated to history all of that JFK stuff should go way up in value. I hope that everybody goes into grandma’s living room and pulls down the portrait of JFK that hangs next to the portrait of Pope John Paul II (which also went up ten fold when he died) and puts in on Ebay the instant Teddy’s death is announced to the world. You know I hear that some of them portraits–especially the one’s that contained his signature–you know the signature obtained after the assassination–will be worth even more! Also all of those “Look”, “Life” and “Listen” magazines with weeping Jackie O and little John John on the cover will become priceless–even the ones with rusted staples! Also, you know anything with Obama on it will also be worth a fortune as he is the FIRST Afro-American “rock star” candidiate to run for office! The FIRST ONE!! Also, now that Bo Diddley died–I heard that all of those old scratched and warped records are worth hundreds of dollars each! Also, one day Bill Clinton will die and everything with his name on it will become a very rare item. Hillary will also die one day as will Joe Paterno, Clay Aiken and Zbigniew Brzezinski. When they do then all of the stuff that was ever produced with their name or likeness in it will all become VERY RARE! And the list of famous people who will eventually die is a very big one–so all you Ebay sellers are in luck as it seems that there will be a lot of very rare items coming down the pike so you may as well start counting your money now!