Age ain’t nothing but a number. Don’t urinate on me and tell me that it’s raining. And you can’t put shoes on a jackass and call it a race horse… You may have heard these before, you may have not. Either way, these fortune cookie phrases are metaphorically applicable to many things in life, including the auction business.
More and more people find and read this blog every week. Lately, I have been concentrating on the “life and humanity” part of my tagline, offering social (or anitsocial) commentary on a plethora of subjects. However, after disappointing several people over the last fortnight regarding merchandise they had wished to sell, I have been inspired to expound a bit about “the auction world.” For I have destroyed enthusiasm, obliterated hope, and shattered the lives of some who thought that they had treasures, the likes of which would produce the monies to finally finish that addition on their homes, buy that classic car they always wanted, or at least have one hell of a night at a strip club.
1. Age ain’t nothing but a number.
We, as human beings, are not born with a dowry. Our afterbirth does not contain all the furniture, collectibles, jewelry, and general tchotchkes that we will ever have in our lifetimes. Indeed, we acquire things as children, as teenagers, and as adults. Therefore, if your grandmother dies at 101, not everything in her house is that old. In fact, the only things that should be that old are any items that were bought for her when she was just born and that she happened to keep all of her life. Some of her possessions may be older than she, if she had inherited them from her parents. More than likely, the majority of grandma’s stuff is younger than she was. Amazing! I know. But believe it or not, old people buy stuff right up until the day they die. So no… The electric can opener on grandma’s counter, the brass Stiffel lamps in the living room, and the dining room suite that she and grandpa purchased in 1946 are not 101 years old.
And it may not matter even if they were. The potential value of a piece of merchandise is not directly proportional to its age. Antique does not equal big money. Neither does new equal crap. Market viability of estate merchandise has to do rarity, desirability, and condition. Ah yes… condition!
2. Don’t urinate on my and tell me that it’s raining.
I have eyes, and the only time they have been known to deceive me is at a buffet. So here are a few tips, whether you call me or another auction company, for determining the condition of an item. Too many times have I been told over the phone that something is in “mint” or “excellent” condition, only to arrive at an estate to find the complete opposite. First of all, “mint” condition means that something was NEVER opened, NEVER removed from its package, and NEVER used. Okay? So, the level below mint is excellent. Well, let me go on record now. An item is not in “excellent” condition if:
- It has been painted by someone other than the original maker.
- It is broken and/or repaired.
- It caught fire at any time.
- It was used as a chew toy by a dog or as a scratching post by a cat.
- It smells like something other than nothing.
- Or it is stained with urine, poop, blood, or a dead hooker.
3. You can’t put shoes on a jackass and call it a racehorse.
Many times, after telling a consignor that a certain item in an estate is totally worthless, he or she will try to sell me on taking it by making suggestions as to what people could do with it. I, of course, only ever have one suggestion: the landfill. Believe me, I want to be able to walk into an estate and remove every single item in it. I dream of the house that contains nothing but sellable items. However, every estate, no matter how good it is, has some level of garbage in it. No amount of cajoling, begging, or creativity will cause me to schlepp an item that belongs in the trash. Still, I get suggestions as to why I should be able to market an unmarketable item. I have never been convinced.
Because, no one wants to gut a console TV and make an aquarium out of it. No one wants to turn a ringer washer into a flower pot and plop it in their front yard. No one wants to transform an 80-year-old refrigerator into a beer tap. And no one wants to cut a cast iron bathtub in half and display a statue of the Virgin Mary in it.
I cannot manipulate the market, nor can I do a magical dance to hypnotize people into buying what they don’t want. (In fact, shaking my big butt around would certainly have an adverse effect on the best of inventory.) No. When I say I can’t sell something, I mean it. So, if and when I refuse an item for my auction, don’t take it personally and please don’t think you know better than I do. You wouldn’t try to tell a podiatrist what a foot looks like or attempt to sell ice to an Eskimo. So please, don’t tell me that your 1968 Sears console stereo is an antique, that it’s in excellent condition despite the fact that it doesn’t work and that it leans to one side, and that anyone would be glad to buy it, strip it out, and turn it into a liquor cabinet. Thank you.
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my plethora burns when i pee.
it’s likely an infection,
old magazines, vases, games
from my childhood.
one day i’ll write on the back
of everything, so people will know
why all this is important.
the book i read in college.
the hospital bracelet
(in case i get sick again)
the photograph i dribbled on
because my plethora burns.
The ever popular “MINT” condition. I loathe to bring up the word “Ebay” on your blog–but I felt compelled to in order to make my comments. The word “MINT” condition seems to apply to nearly every item on Ebay, whether it be a rare Mickey Mantle baseball card to a pair of the seller’s wife’s used soiled panties. It also seems that every item listed as “mint” is also accompanied by a very blurry photo of the said item. Hmmm… I wonder why? So to all of you Ebay sellers who may be reading this blog and comment please be advised of the following: 1) Almost nothing is absolute mint–or mint for that matter. If it is used or old–it is not mint. If you think you have a mint baseball card or comic book I would suggest that you get it professionally graded before you list the item. 99.9% of old postcards are not mint. Records–if played are not mint unless they are professionally graded. I can go on and on but I won’t bore you. 2) when you are listing a “rare” item on Ebay please be sure to put a crystal clear photograph of the item and include many photos of the item covering all angles and aspects of the item. The blurry photo you include of the “mint” item may hide the grape Kool-Aid stain you put on your comic book when you were 8 years old but it will not change the fact that the stain is indeed on your “mint condition rare 1985 Superman comic book”. 3)When you list that the item is very old–although age is relative to each person—-an item that is 20-30 years old is NOT old. 4)Please try to remember that everything that has the likeness of Elvis, The Beatles, JFK, Marilyn Monroe and Barak Hussein Obama is NOT “rare” and worth a lot of money. Most of it–just like Barak Hussein Obama is worthless. 5)Attention book, cd and video/dvd sellers–out of print means no longer published or manufactured. It means the item is no longer made or currently in production. The Beatles-Abbey Road is not “oop” or out of print. “Gone With The Wind” both on dvd and book is not “oop” out of print. Barak Hussein Obama’s “Audacity Of Hope” is not out of print–although it should be! At any rate–this is just a partial list because I am on a hard break and I have a commerical coming up. So in closing–I’d just like to say–you may fall for your own “mint” bullshit or your “mint” delusions but no one else will.
John–does Seraphine mean “urethra” or am I missing the joke?
When a 101 year old person takes a good shit–is that shit considered old? It came from a 101 year old person–right?
Is there any value in old jokes? If so I can make a fortune!
Someone told me that the Smithsonian has a jar of old air from 1776–do you know if that’s true? Also I read where the water in all of the world’s oceans is as old as the Earth itself. Do you think if I went to the beach and took a few Mason jars that I could sell that old water at auction? The tree in my yard recently lost a big branch in a recent thunderstorm–that tree has stood there for over 100 years–do you think that I can sell the branches for some money? They are 100 years old!! I also read where dirt comes from all old things that decompose and turn to..well..dirt. Dirt should be worth a fortune as it is a combination of many very very old things. If I bring a few bags up to the gallery could you sell them for me?
Yes, Fast Eddie. Plethora = Urethra. I believe that is the joke.
“social (or anitsocial) commentary on a plethora of subjects”
points to the auctioneer- he said it, he started it, he even mentioned pee first. old magazines and risk are clearly plethora. where did you get urethra from?
Aw, C’mon, I have this mint collection of beanie babies from when my kids were little. They hardly played with them at all. And some of them are really antique, from when the factory first opened, even before my kids were born. And I know that if you auction them for me, tons of people will be interested, because they are so cute! And besides, I need the money for my kid, because they are his entire college fund — you know, like an investment! Everyone told me how great an investment collectibles are!
If you want to know how I really feel about Beanie Babies, read this post: Deppraisal: Fashionable and Doomed
Sorry, Seraphine. Somehow that comment about “points to the auctioneer” got pushed into the spam section by Akismet. Anyway… I just figured “plethora” as an allusion to urethra, because it burns when you pee…
Apologies if I was wrong…
Hey, I don’t know ’bout all that, Darlin…but is there any way you can git me dem shoes? I’d sure precieate it.