THE AUTHORING AUCTIONEER

Would that I were a cartoon super villian.  For much like “Family Guy’s” Stewie Griffin, I too have the desire to be our globe’s ultimate authority.  However, not being a cartoon places a tremendous handicap upon this ambition.  Because I don’t have billions of dollars, I do not have a secret chamber built into my house in which I can store the weapons, equipment, and evil inventions that I would need to commence my campaign of domination.  These I would need–namely the money–in order to be a real-life despot.  However, animated antagonists such as Stewie Griffin exist in a world of fantasy spawned from the tip of a pencil in which imagination destroys all impossibilities.  After all, Stewie is merely the infant son of seemingly typical middle-class parents.  Yet, there seems to be no limit to this young monster’s arsenal of doom.

Despite the fact that world domination can only ever be a fantasy of mine, I present to you the first ten laws that I would enforce were I ever to realize my dream and become Emperor of Earth.

1.  Sweatpants are to be worn only by those engaging in the activities of exercise, sleeping, or lounging about the house.  Any other donning of sweatpants, most especially in public, shall result in the immediate confiscation of the offender’s favorite DVD, which will be scratched.  The special punishment of death by egging will be dealt upon those who are caught wearing sweatpants to a classical concert.

2.  The following directors are no longer allowed to make movies: Robert Rodriguez, Joel Schumacher, Robert Luketic, and Mel Gibson.  (This list may be added to upon my fancy.)

3.  The works of Jackson Pollock shall be collected, removed from their frames and stretchers, and used as gift wrap for all my birthday presents until the supply is exhausted.

4.  Christmas shall be moved to July 25 so that I, and others like me, no longer have to suffer because our birthdays are on or around December 25.

5.  Any person observed continuously whistling non-melodic, random notes shall be shipped off to a work camp.

6.  As Tom Cruise proclaims that complete silence must be maintained during the birthing process lest a newborn be traumatized, I proclaim that Tom Cruise must maintain complete silence lest the public be traumatized.

7.  All the world’s rhubarb shall be harvested, placed into a rocket, and shot towards the nearest black hole.  Any patches of land from where the rhubarb is harvested shall be excavated and filled with leaking car batteries so that the vile weed can never return.

8.  The Earth, existing as one empire under my leadership, shall use “Minnie the Moocher” as its official anthem.

9.  In an effort to aid California in its fight against climate change, the entire state shall be enclosed in a bubble and all the air pumped out of it.

10.  Plywood cutout lawn decorations are henceforth banned.  Any person caught displaying just one(especially the bent over fat lady with the poka-dot bloomers) shall be rapidly force-fed ice cream until an extreme headache is achieved.

Should any of you wish to see these laws enacted, remember, I must first acquire the funds needed to conquer the world.  Therefore, I am now accepting donations.  Eighty-five cents of every dollar received will go towards constructing my secret lair and stocking it with evil devices.  The other fifteen cents will go towards booze and smokes.  I thank you in advance for your support and submission.