THE AUTHORING AUCTIONEER

The moth is a blight.  The moth is an annoyance.  The moth is one of Nature’s superior idiots.  Yes, just like manufacturers sometimes produce consumer products that are subpar, the Great Architect seems to have dropped the ball in regards to the moth.  This is evident for two reasons: First, clothing and foliage apparently taste the same to the moth.  Now, I don’t know about you, but I imagine that my life would be impacted negatively were I unable to determine whether I was eating a salad or a pair of pants.  The second, and perhaps the more damning display of the moth’s stupidity, is its total obsession with light.  During summer evenings, everyone’s porch lights are swarming with hordes of fluttering drones that range in size from tiny to freakin’ huge.  Why?

Does it really matter why?  Is it really that important?  I went Googling for an answer and found only theories about the moth using the moon and other celestial lights to navigate.  However, when it happens across artificial illumination it becomes distracted, much like a construction worker may drive a rivet into his foot when a hot woman (or man, depending) meanders along the site.  So, no one really knows why the moth spends whole evenings in a mosh pit around a lightbulb.  No one really understands why the moth will burn itself alive when it sees a flame or the ever-entertaining “bug zapper.”  No one knows and I don’t care, because no matter what the reason, it’s really, really stupid.

Can you imagine living such an existence?  Can you imagine waiting the entire day for the sun to disappear, for the world to cool off, so you can leave your home to get something to eat, hang out with your friends, or do something else productive?  Can you imagine having such good intentions only to be distracted by a flickering light, the power of which robs you of all your ambition, of all your instinct and intelligence, of all your life?  You want to move away from the illumination… You want to break free… You want to live… But you can’t!  You have to look at the light; you must worship it.  It has become your “reality.”  Something may happen if you wander away.  You may miss something important.  Then how would you be able to engage in mind-numbing conversations the next morning at the water cooler with your fellow moths?  How would you feel not being able to comment on whom got kicked off of Survivor or American Idol?  How would you face your fellow moths if you didn’t know whom The Bachelor picked or whom The Donald fired?  You would never be able to face such ridicule, so you stay near that light.  You flock to it.  You stay there until you pass out from overload or until a bat swoops in and eats you!

On a more absurd note…

Those of you who have always felt that Mattel was long overdue in producing an S&M Barbie doll need wait no longer.  The Sun reported that the toy company is launching a version of Barbie modeled after the Black Canary, a DC Comic superheroine.  This new doll is decked out in skanky fishnet stockings, a leather motorcycle jacket, and come-fuck-me boots.  Naturally, a religious group–namely Christian Voice–had to put their two cents in by claiming, “Barbie has always been on the tarty side and this is taking it too far.  A children’s doll in sexually suggestive clothing is irresponsible – it’s filth.”

Oh, grow up and get over yourselves!  If you don’t want your kids to have Black Canary Barbie, then don’t buy it for them.  Take some self-action and shut up!

I, of course, would take it one step further.  To compliment this new leather-and-sex Barbie, I would create a Ken version of the Gimp from Pulp Fiction.

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