I recently finished watching a thirty-seven-episode anime called Death Note.  It is very new.  In fact the last three episodes aren’t even in English yet, forcing me to read whilst watching TV.  I normally hate subtitles outside of Star Wars, but this animated series (and yes it’s for adults) was so engaging and so brilliant, that I couldn’t wait for the final episodes to be dubbed.  I had to see how it ended.  Normally, I am not an anime fan, because the plots are usually derivative, the characters stupid, and the dialogue hokey.  Not the case with Death Note, only the third anime I have ever watched from beginning to end.

Though the plot line of Death Note is one complex, mind-blowing twist after another, the premise is a simple one: A god of death, being bored with his own existence, drops a notebook into the human world.  A teenager called Light Yagami picks up this notebook and soon discovers that he can kill people simply by thinking of a person’s face and writing his or her name in it.  Light decides to secretly become the judge of the Earth, and begins eliminating those he deems evil in an effort to create a perfect, peaceful world.  Dubbed Kira by the media, Light soons find himself having to eliminate good people, because those good people fear him and know they must stop him.  To explain further is impossible.  Just go watch it at DeathNote.tv.  (Trust me.  It’s great.)

So this week I started thinking: What if I had my own Death Note?  At first, I thought it would be great, but considering the outcome of the anime, I don’t think my fate would be any different than Light Yagami’s.  But then again… What if I had an Appraiser’s Death Note that didn’t eliminate people but material things?  What if I could write down all the items I’m tired of being asked about and have them disappear off the face of the planet?

Yes, there are particular items that–as an auctioneer–I am asked about all the time.  Certain things have no value and will never have any value.  However, there is an elite clique of bric-a-brac and crap, the members of which create hurt feelings and/or arguments every time I hit their hopeful owners with some variation of “that ain’t worth squat.”  As a result, a little piece of me dies inside each time I am asked about these items, because I know the person asking is not going to believe me and, in some way, call me an idiot.

Hence, I present to you the first ten items I would wipe out of existence with my Appraiser’s Death Note, so I would never, ever have to be asked about them again:

1.  Every single vinyl record and 8-Track tape

2.  As they will no longer be needed, every single record player and 8-Track player

3.  All the fake, crinkly, reproductions of The Constitution and The Declaration of Independence

4.  Beanie Babies

5.  Every single copy of Time, Life, Look, etc. with JFK’s picture on the cover

6.  Canning jars… Canning jars… Canning jars!

7.  All Gone with the Wind collector plates

8.  Every baseball card made after 1979

9.  Every Hess Truck made after 1989

10.  Anything and everything that displays the words “collector’s edition” or “limited edition”

Yes, those are the first ten things I would make extinct with my very own Appraiser’s Death Note.  You may think I’m crazy, but you’re only half right.  Go watch Death Note.

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What would you use a Death Note for?  Leave your reply below…