Pee-Free Drill Bill
High gasoline prices have affected everything from food to liquor to porn. Buying a bucket of microwave popcorn and a gallon of Mad Dog 20/20 and renting a skin flick used to be a cheap date. Now, it costs upwards of $37,000. At the current minimum wage, one would have to work over 5,100 hours to cover such a venture. But ridiculous petrol prices are not only destroying the love lives of unromantic idiots. Indeed, the raping we are experiencing at the pumps is also ruining the natural beauty along our highways and biways. Once urine free, our roads are becoming littered with plastic bottles full of pee.
I jest you not. FoxNEWS.com reported that a litter crew along Interstate 84 in Ontario, Oregon recently recovered 200-300 urine-filled plastic containers on a stretch of that highway known as “Three Mile Hill.” Police are theorizing that because of the high price of fuel, motorists–especially commercial truckers– are driving through the area at reduced speeds. But in order to stay on schedule, they are also passing up opportunities to pull into rest stops to relieve themselves. So, when the Red Bull needs to be evacuated, they’re simply doing number one into their empty bottles and chucking them out the window.
This disgusting and disturbing discovery, for me, is the final and most convincing argument for the expansion of drilling in the United States. Oh, would that I were a Senator debating this months long controversy on the Senate floor. I would draw up a bill calling for the immediate commencement of oil exploration in ANWR, on the continental shelf, indeed anywhere. Of course, I would have to address the legislature in order to get the necessary votes, and my speech would go something like this:
“Friends, Americans, countrymen… I got something to say. We are faced with a crisis of choice. Our decision here today will affect this great nation for generations. What legacy shall we leave to our grandchildren? Shall we bequeath to them a state of affordable fuel and few cranky caribou and displaced dolphins? Or shall we bequeath to them crushing oil costs and interstates teeming with urine?
“Close your eyes and imagine it. Yes, imagine a nation where gasoline is over $10 a gallon and the shoulders of our highways are heaped high with bottles of pee-pee. If we do nothing, that is our future. If we refuse to act, our childrend and our children’s children will curse us for our short-sightedness. Remember how mad our mothers would get when we were kids and we missed the bowl? Well, that’s nothing compared to this. If we don’t act, our moms will be very, very, very disappointed in us and history will be forced to remember us as ‘The Number One Congress.’
“Today it is urine we find in bottles on the side of the road. How long before it is poo as well? Think of the stink! And think how dangerous travel will become when motorists start trying to do number two while driving! Do we really want that on our conscience? Do we want that blood on our hands? I don’t think so.
“For the sake of all that is sanitary, we must pass this legislation. I urge you to vote in favor of my ‘Pee-Free Drill Bill.’ Don’t let the ‘amber waves of grain’ become ‘amber mounds of urine.’ Thank you and God bless America!”
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it’s time to do fingerprint and DNA testing
to find the perpetrators and punish them.
that behavior is disgusting and immoral.
it’s time we finally went after those oil barons.
Seraphine’s last blog post…The Hunt for Osama bin Laden
Just because a bunch of guys (and women, although it is less practical for us) are being gross isn’t a good reason to start more drilling in the USA.
But hey, I’m Canadian and pee in bathrooms so what do I know.
Zhu’s last blog post…Learning French Or English In Canada (6/10)
They’re doing the same thing now with wine and breast implants. I think I speak for everyone with half brain when I say I’m outraged.
Bob Eckstein’s last blog post…Why I Cancelled My Subscription to Cottage Living
If only there was some way to make urine into fuel.
But I’ve already said too much.
diesel’s last blog post…Would You Buy this Novel?
And to think that here in Pennsylvania they spent our tax dollars on water free urinals in the new rest stops. If people are now by-passing the rest stops and throwing their piss out the window it can be said that once again our government pissed away our money. Pretty soon when the shit hits the windshield–the asshole Democrats will finally have no choice but to pass a drilling law. No—I take that back–once people start throwing their shit out the window the Democrats will pass a law requring all drivers to wear Depends diapers. They will then make those diapers available to welfare cases and illegal aliens free of charge while the tax paying, hard working people will have to pay $10.00 each for them. They will then charge a “disposal fee” for each diaper but if you are any color other that white your shit and piss will be disposed of for free. The Democrats will then offer a incentive plan for all drivers who eat their own shit and drink their own piss for the sake of the environment. It sounds sick–but at least it’s better that eating the shit the Democrats have been feeding us for the last 40 years!
Fast Eddie is referring to this article: Hypocrisy in Urination
If you Republican bastards weren’t the controllers and major stockholders of Depends diapers, the landfills, the shit and piss containers, the companies making the machinery to clean said environment, etc., etc., then I’d agree you just might have a point. As it stands right now, you might want to continue eating that Democratic shit or you might not be able to pay your bills either, and you’ll need to go on welfare and food stamps to eat anything other than shit.
Congratulations to everyone in this thread who is unable to recognize satire. Good job!