So here we are.  It’s that time of year again… Yard Sale Season.  I don’t know about you, but I’ve never been one of those rags-to-riches-stories where I pay a quarter for a painting at a yard sale and then resell it for millions.  Every time I stop at a yard sale, the only things I find are used baby clothes, disintegrating Ikea furniture, and broken dreams.  My youngest brother, Joseph, once found a baby shark sealed in a bottle of formaldehyde.  He still has it, and it’s pretty cool.

Still, from time to time, you hear about some lucky idiot that retires after reselling something he or she found at a yard sale.  A more prevelant anecdote is one that I hear from dealers when they assemble to have one of their B.S. Braggart Sessions.  Dozens of times, I have heard them say something to the effect of, “So I asked the lady running the yard sale if I could go look in her basement.  She let me and I gave her $100 for a pile of stuff that I got a thousand for…”  Oh, yes… Bravo… Que Fortuna…

Question: If your appendix was enflamed and needed to be removed, would you do it yourself or would you hire a professional, in this case, a doctor?  What if you did perform a self-appendectomy, not knowing where to cut or which bits to take out?  So what, right?  You saved money, right?  You didn’t have to pay the professional his share.  So what if you shoved it up your own ass?

2. Fortune Cookies

I always considered him more of a philosopher than a comedian.  Yeah, the Hippie-Dippie Weatherman made me laugh, but most of the time, Carlin just made me ponder the obvious and the not-so-obvious.  I didn’t always agree with him.  Half the time, he spouted left-wing, liberal crap that would make me hiss at my TV.  The other half of the time, I would cheer and nod my head as he prescribed the perfect level of wrathful retribution for all those things and people that can make life unbearable.  Either way, the world has lost a clever mind and a great thinker.

One of Carlin’s most famous monologues is, of course, “Seven Dirty Words You Can Never Say On Television.”  The sketch first appeared on his 1972 album Class Clown.  In it, Carlin describes those seven dirty words and gives examples of how each can be used.  The monologue caused quite a row, eventually leading to a Supreme Court case.  Carlin was even arrested for disturbing the peace when he performed the routine at a live show in Milwauke.  (You can read all the details here.)

Thirty-six years later, those seven dirty words are still not heard on AM or FM radio.  Neither are they heard on broadcast network television, nor are they allowed to fly on most cable channels.  No the FCC is still protecting us, the American public, from those vile, evil, disgusting words.  Ironically, despite the government’s vigilance in keeping those words from reaching our fragile ears and corrupting our puny minds, society is still filled with ills.  Amazing, is it not?  There is still war, poverty, and disease.  There is still injustice.  There is still pain in our lives even though we are shielded from the infamous seven dirty words.  Go figure…

The Seven Dirty Words: Shit, Piss, Fuck, Cunt, Cocksucker, Motherfucker, and Tits.