THE AUTHORING AUCTIONEER

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For nearly three years now, I have been one half of a very satisfying, loving, and all-in-all terrific domestic partnership with a very lovely woman. If two people were ever fated to spend the rest of their lives together, surely they are Niki and I. However, until we created our blissful home together, I never realized how forgetful I am and how many things are a direct result of my shortcomings. In other words, I never understood how many things are my fault…

Would you put a porta-potty inside your home? I certainly wouldn’t. Call me unreasonable, but when I have finished my business in the bathroom, I take great comfort in the ability to flush it away. However, were it a hundred years ago, and I did not have indoor plumbing, I would have an outhouse in my back yard. Inconvenient perhaps, but necessary. Even our primitive ancestors from a century ago, who had no Internet, no cell phones, and no television, understood the need for keeping human waste away from their living quarters. Why, then, would a brand new, multi-million-dollar facility employ the modern equivalent of an outhouse inside its men’s room?

All in all, I am a just man. Within all of my rantings and ravings, I have asked for neither the impossible nor the unreasonable from humanity. I have never expressed anger or wonderment over anything overly intellectual or scientific. Indeed, it would be unfair–and extremely boring at that–to use this blog as a vehicle to debate the musings of Nietzsche or the viability of Faster Than Light Travel. (Although, I have explained the ridiculousness of a shrink-ray.) No. In all my rantings and ravings, I have asked nothing more from humanity than common sense, common courtesy, and to visit the proctologist twice a year in an effort to keep our heads out of our asses. I have also explained that humanity is doomed due to our inability to cross the street. This, however, may have a root cause: our inability and/or unwillingness to read.

Indeed, the Apocalypse may be nigh, for people have lost their bloody minds. An asteroid wiped out the dinosaurs about 65 million years ago. Mathematical chance should have already sent another rock of devastation to wipe clean the slate of Earth’s theater. I, however, believe that there is an alien ship patrolling our solar system, deflecting asteroids and comets away from our planet. Why? Because much like a B Movie, the alien observers are simultaneously appalled, amused, and fascinated by humanity’s ignorance, stupidity, and self-destructive behaviors. They know that they should let a cosmic rock put us out of our misery, but they are so engrossed by this living museum of fools that they protect us to perpetuate their entertainment, knowing full well that it will end spectacularly one day when we vanquish ourselves. Therefore, it will not be an extraterrestrial bullet which obliterates the human race, but our inability to cross the street…