THE AUTHORING AUCTIONEER

You are browsing the archives of aliens.

Are you worried that we, as a species, have become too boring and predictable for our twist-hungry alien viewers? Do you think they’ve had enough and are now going to let the Earth be obliterated by a celestial missile? Fear not! The fall line-up for VHN (Voyeurism of Humanity Network) is about to kick off and the producers have outdone themselves this time. That’s right! The galaxy’s greatest Reality TV show just got better, guaranteeing us further protection from asteroids.

All in all, I am a just man. Within all of my rantings and ravings, I have asked for neither the impossible nor the unreasonable from humanity. I have never expressed anger or wonderment over anything overly intellectual or scientific. Indeed, it would be unfair–and extremely boring at that–to use this blog as a vehicle to debate the musings of Nietzsche or the viability of Faster Than Light Travel. (Although, I have explained the ridiculousness of a shrink-ray.) No. In all my rantings and ravings, I have asked nothing more from humanity than common sense, common courtesy, and to visit the proctologist twice a year in an effort to keep our heads out of our asses. I have also explained that humanity is doomed due to our inability to cross the street. This, however, may have a root cause: our inability and/or unwillingness to read.

Indeed, the Apocalypse may be nigh, for people have lost their bloody minds. An asteroid wiped out the dinosaurs about 65 million years ago. Mathematical chance should have already sent another rock of devastation to wipe clean the slate of Earth’s theater. I, however, believe that there is an alien ship patrolling our solar system, deflecting asteroids and comets away from our planet. Why? Because much like a B Movie, the alien observers are simultaneously appalled, amused, and fascinated by humanity’s ignorance, stupidity, and self-destructive behaviors. They know that they should let a cosmic rock put us out of our misery, but they are so engrossed by this living museum of fools that they protect us to perpetuate their entertainment, knowing full well that it will end spectacularly one day when we vanquish ourselves. Therefore, it will not be an extraterrestrial bullet which obliterates the human race, but our inability to cross the street…