The Whole Shebang
“Absolutely everything I have, I take nothing with me.” That’s what Ian Usher told the entire world when he decided to auction off his entire life. Mr. Usher, a 45-year-old British businessman, had been living in Perth, Australia with his wife Laura. On June 29, the final bid was taken for all that he had and all that he was. As soon as the buyer pays him, Mr. Usher claims he will walk out of his house with nothing but the clothes he’s wearing, his wallet, and his passport, and head to wherever the winds blow him to begin a new life…
I originally found this story on FOXNews.com. Apparently, Mr. Usher decided that he needed a fresh start–a recommencement of his adulthood–after a nasty divorce. So, he started his own website (ALife4Sale.com) that offered the reason, policy, and procedure for the sale, and then he listed the whole shebang on eBay. And what exactly was in this shebang? The inventory was as follows:
- A house and all its contents
- A car
- A motorbike
- A jetski
- Kitesurfing gear
- A trial period at his sales job
- And a group of friends
Usher was unhappy with the final selling price of $384,000 (U.S.). He says that his house is worth that much and that he had been hoping to see at least $480,000 when the bidding ended. However, he had set no reserve and it seems as though he’s going to honor the deal. But who cares? Let’s get back to the inventory…
There is a difference of $96,000 between what Usher wanted and what he got. He claims that the $384,000 selling price for his life is what his house was worth. That means that I, as a social commentator and professional cynic, have to spread the difference over everything else that was on that inventory list. That means that Usher feels his estate contents, car, motorbike, jetski, kitesurfing gear, job, AND HIS FRIENDS are worth another $96,000.
Now, as an appraiser, I understand how valuations can be imposed upon Mr. Usher’s real estate, personal property, and even his job. But what about his friends? How much of that $96,000 difference can be attributed to them? And who can make such a determination?
This little news story only confirms my suspicion of the need for “personal appraisals.” Not personal property appraisals. No. Personal appraisals. Mind you, the term “personal appraisals” is incorrectly used every day by appraisers and auctioneers, meaning a valuation of one’s personal property. Indeed, a distinction must be made. So, don’t be lazy. When placing values on chattel, the full term “personal property appraisal” should be used. But when one considers the selling of one’s friends to the highest bidder, then a personal appraisal is needed. This service, of course, has not been needed in this country since the end of the Civil War. Australia and eBay, however, seem to be okay with the buying and selling of human beings. So, who knows? Personal appraisals may make a comeback.
Certainly, the concept of personal appraisals begs me to ask what criteria would be used in determing the market value of a modern day human being? Could the same criteria that apply to a personal property appraisal be employed in a personal appraisal? Why not?
Condition: In what kind of shape is the person in question? Is there any damage: chips, cracks, breaks, crackling, water damage? Has the person been kept in its the original box or has it been taken out and played with? Has the person retained its original state or has it been refinished?
Availability: How rare or unrare is the person in question? Is it one that can be found on any street corner or trailer park? Or is it a scarce model of which only a few have been produced?
Marketability: What is the supply and what is the demand for the model of person in its present condition? What have similar types sold for in the past?
There is also the possibility that personality and abilities would be additional factors in determining worth. Other yet unknown criteria may be applicable, too, but may not be realized or fully understood until eBay gets the human trade market into full swing.
What factors would you use in determining the monetary value of a human being? Leave your ideas in the comment box below.
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Does this mean that someday at the local flea market I will see an old dirty alcoholic bum with piss stained pants wrapped in several layers of Saran Wrap with a masking tape price tag across his forehead? Will someone tell me that the broken down Mexican with two broken legs and smashed hands sitting there in the corner is perfectly fine and “works great!”. Or how about someone trying to tell me that that 95 year old man with dementia that is wandering around aimlessly is worth a fortune–because he is VERY OLD and an ANTIQUE!! At any rate–you know that this practice is currently happening in certain circles of our society. I mean how many third world babies have Madonna and Angelina Jolie added to their collections in the last several years? I can just imagine what they have those kids doing once the paparazzi goes home. I can hear it now “Hey Jose–RUB MY FEET AND WASH MY ASS–and TAKE OFF THAT SOMBRERO!”
Good piece. And, wow, I really like the new look of site.
Who hasn’t at some time in their life wished they could call a mulligan and have a second chance at life? I know I’ve thought about it… walking away from an unhappy job, a demanding relationship, illness, bills, responsibilities. Not necessarily in that order, or at the same time.
But friends? How can you sell a friend? It’s like selling the music in your heart. There is no fair price for it.
If you have to put a price on it, then I’d say anything random: $10 Dollars. $2008 Euros. Y96,000 Yen. A billion Pesos. It doesn’t matter. Any and all of those prices would be wrong. Choose your poison.
You’ve just made the first mistake of your new life. You didn’t deserve the mulligan.
I wonder if the friends were okay being sold…
This is crazy though. Would you be able to sell your life? Materials things, I wouldn’t mind. But people?
People are unreliable, and well, world’s population is ever increasing so I’m afraid the market will crash.
Well, if you go to Mr. Usher’s website, there is a message there “from his friends” that says they support him and that they don’t feel that they are losing him, but gaining a new companion in the high bidder… The friends never say if they’re okay with being sold. Personally, I would be insulted.
Still, selling your life… You can’t. You may be able to give up all your possessions, but you can’t sell your memories, your experiences, or your pain. All those things make you who you are. It’s impossible to pass them off to someone else.
I have nearly completed the appraisal of my friends. I’ve compared their values against the value of other people’s friends, both historically and in my neighborhood.
Obviously, my friends aren’t in the same neighborhood as Tonto. Tonto is a high-end friend.
There is no Sam to my Lindsay. No Portia to my Ellen.
I have no Watson of Sherlock Holmes fame.
No, I don’t even have a boy-toy Alex Rodriguez to my Madonna.
My friends are like cheetas in a Tarzan movie. They are low-rent swingers. Sure, they’ll wake me if something scares them, but they’re otherwise worse than cuddle bunnies.
So how do I value a pack of cheetahs? The Wellington Zoo offers a Cheetah Experience for $195. That seems rather expensive until you consider one of the highlights is you get to “see what a cheetah smells like.” Yes, I’m one of those nerds that would pay to see a smell…
Placing the value of $195 for my friends, not individually but as a pack, seems fair. Bill still has a book I loaned him a year ago. Kristen owes me a phone call.
Compared to other friends who live in my neighborhood, the value seems fair. Mine are a little quieter and drive small cars. The neighborhood friends seem to be untrimmed and leave their curtains drawn. The value is comparable.
Conclusion: Selling my friends for $195 is a fair value both 1) historically and 2) based on the value of comparable friends in my neighborhood.
Seraphine’s last blog post..The Mandibular Nerve Pinch
Seraphine, perhaps you could just let people smell your friends for $195. Seems you’d have the opportunity to make a little more money that way.
You’re absolutely right.
Friends aren’t disposable.
It’s better to lease them
out on long term contract.
The cash flow is predictable.
Seraphine’s last blog post..Best Wishes
The factors I personally would use to determine a monetary value of each friend depend solely on my own set of values, and how I define “friend” in the first place. Despite some socially conservative polar opposites in northern California who inform me that “we all hold the same values” (!?), I see a need for each of us to individually define our own meaning of the word “friend”.
If I define it as the buddies I hang around with at the local bar laughing, drinking, arguing politics, and just generally having fun with, they can easily be sold to the highest bidder and replaced within a reasonable amount of time depending upon how much I drink. I suspect Mr. Usher was auctioning off this type of “friends”. They warrant the deppraisal.
But if you define “friend” as a trusted confidant who never betrays your trust, one who stands by you through decades of good times and bad, a dependable helper who you cheerfully help in return, who will loan money and be loaned money to the point where you’ve lost track and don’t give a damn anymore anyway, one who is too selfless to ever forget your birthday, who you call when your car is broken down in the middle of Northern Bumfuck in the middle of the night, your Maid of Honor or Best Man repeatedly, the one you vacation with and actually enjoy it, who excessively eats, drinks, smokes, tokes, snorts, and anything else fun with you and then together you quit everything before it kills you, well…no appraisal is needed as they are so extremely rare as to be truly priceless.