Everyone lies.  If someone tells you, “I never lie,” then that person is lying.  Sometimes it is necessary to lie.  In war, lives may depend on a well executed feint.  Other times, it is advantageous to lie.  After all, bluffing in poker is nothing more than relaying an untruth through betting.  Lies, lies, lies.  Everyone lies.

Most of the time, however, it makes no sense to lie.  President Clinton shouldn’t have lied.  He shouldn’t have stood in front of the press, wagged his finger, and proclaimed, “I did not have sexual relations with that woman…”  Instead, he should have said, “Yes!  I got some from that cow, but it’s none of your damn business.  Now go away!”  Likewise, the guy that called last week shouldn’t have lied to me about the type of items he had to sell.  “All kinds of items,” he had promised.  “Old lamps, furniture, collectibles, etc.”

However, when my father arrived at this fibber’s house to inspect his plethora of treasures, there was nothing to behold but record albums and 8-Track tapes.  What the hell?  Do such mental midgets understand that they have nothing of value–lying on purpose to lure hopefuls to their indoor landfills–thinking that once they have someone there, they’ll be able to fool said prospectors into taking their garbage?  Goddammit!

And for 8-Tracks!  Yet another lie.  I’m sure that when they were first introduced to the public, 8-Tracks were touted as the superior way to listen to music, even though they never worked right.  I’ve never had to use a matchbook to listen to a CD or an MP3.  Have you?

Lies!  I’m exhausted from them.  Especially now, since it’s an election year.  Being weary as I am, I’m suffering from a touch of writer’s block.  Hence, this rambling article, which will now conclude with 10 lies that really, really, really piss me off.  Indeed, the following vex me to such wrath that my anus clenches into its own personal singularity so that I must refrain from passing gas for not wanting to tear a hole in the space-time continuum:

1. Global Warming, now known as Climate Change:  Please!  We’re supposed to trust century old weather data from people who thought that meat makes flies?
2. Al Gore:  Everything about him is a lie.  He preaches “carbon credits” and “save the planet” when his mansion uses more electricity in one month than most people use in a whole year.
3. Every single exercise machine and/or weight loss infomercial on TV.
4. Ethanol:  It’s dumb.
5. Insurance Companies:  No matter what their ads tell us, you’re only in good hands with yourself.
6. Prescription Drugs:  Ask your doctor to give you a pill that will solve one problem, cause another, or create side-effects that are the same or worse than the ailment.  Then, pay through the ass for it.
7. Energy Prices:  They’re not high because of a shortage or greater demand, and we didn’t go to Iraq “for the oil.”  If we did, where the hell is it?  Why isn’t tanker after tanker leaving the Persian Gulf for our shores?  We went to war for the oil?  Again, where is it?  Are G.W. and Dick filling the White House pool with it and taking daily dips in sweet crude?  We’re being gouged!  Energy prices are outrageous because we keep paying no matter how high they go.
8. Hippies:  They preach revolution and world peace, but all they do is smoke pot and skip showers.
9. College:  A degree does not guarantee anybody anything except student loan repayments.
10. Tofu:  There’s beef in hamburgers; there’s some kind of meat in hot dogs.  Not bean curd!

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