THE AUTHORING AUCTIONEER

All in all, I am a just man.  Within all of my rantings and ravings, I have asked for neither the impossible nor the unreasonable from humanity.  I have never expressed anger or wonderment over anything overly intellectual or scientific.  Indeed, it would be unfair–and extremely boring at that–to use this blog as a vehicle to debate the musings of Nietzsche or the viability of Faster Than Light Travel.  (Although, I have explained the ridiculousness of a shrink-ray.)  No.  In all my rantings and ravings, I have asked nothing more from humanity than common sense, common courtesy, and to visit the proctologist twice a year in an effort to keep our heads out of our asses.  I have also explained that humanity is doomed due to our inability to cross the street.  This, however, may have a root cause: our inability and/or unwillingness to read.

Take a look at the picture on the left.  Upon opening Rebecca’s Auction Gallery each morning, this sign is rolled outside for the benefit motorists and passers-by.  The white rectangles are simply vinyl that are fastened to the frame with Velcro.  Hence, they are removable and interchangeable.  Beneath the vinyl, this giant yellow signs reads, “Sell it or consign it today!”  For some, but not most, “it” was too ambigous.  Plus, there seems to be a small segment of the population that believes that if a business is searching for consignments, then said proprietorship is only looking for clothing.

In an effort to alleviate confusion and perhaps acquire more specific types of merchandise for our auctions, my father came up the idea of employing the use of the aforementioned vinyl rectangles.  On sale day, we hook on ones that say “Auction Today.”  But during the week, when we are at the gallery setting up, we choose this one or that one, each naming something different (e.g. jewelry, vintage toys, etc.) in conjuction with the rectangle that reads “Wanted Today,” hoping that someone driving or walking by will see the signs and think, “By Jove!  I have what they’re looking for.  Let me give those fine fellows a ringy-dingy and inquire into their procedures and practices.”

This has been a success, but only with those who takes the extra millisecond to read the WHOLE sign.  Yes, the majority of those who can read let their eyes and brains process each letter, each word and understand that the genre of merchandise being broadcast is “Wanted Today.”  Yet, much like a tiny, but painful papercut can destroy the pleasure of actions such as eating a fine sandwich or scratching one’s ass, a tiny, but painful minority of the population has the ability to destroy the pleasure of breathing.

Once again supporting my hypothesis that the only thing that can totally eliminate confusion and ignorance is the supernova of our sun, these seemingly ingenious vinyl rectangles have recently become the newest item in the long list of things that torque my anus.  “How?” you ask.  Well, that painful papercut minority refuses to read the whole sign.  Set up as it is in the above picture, “Guns and Fishing Items” seems to create more consternation than any other wanted items.  It’s usually sporadic, causing me only to shake my head with disappointment.  But in one week, about a dozen people entered the gallery, looked at me with bewilderment, and asked, “So where’s the guns/where’s the fishing stuff?”

“What do you mean?” I replied more as a reflex.

“The sign outside says you have guns/fishing stuff,” they answered, sure in their comprehension.

“No, no, no,” came my retort.  “The sign says ‘Wanted Today.’  We are looking for guns and fishing items.”

Their response was always one of huffy disgust, as though it was my fault they hadn’t read the whole sign, as though I had somehow tricked them…

And so the aliens continue to be entertained, perpetuating our protection from asteroids.

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