THE AUTHORING AUCTIONEER

Indeed, the Apocalypse may be nigh, for people have lost their bloody minds.  An asteroid wiped out the dinosaurs about 65 million years ago.  Mathematical chance should have already sent another rock of devastation to wipe clean the slate of Earth’s theater.  I, however, believe that there is an alien ship patrolling our solar system, deflecting asteroids and comets away from our planet.  Why?  Because much like a B Movie, the alien observers are simultaneously appalled, amused, and fascinated by humanity’s ignorance, stupidity, and self-destructive behaviors.  They know that they should let a cosmic rock put us out of our misery, but they are so engrossed by this living museum of fools that they protect us to perpetuate their entertainment, knowing full well that it will end spectacularly one day when we vanquish ourselves.  Therefore, it will not be an extraterrestrial bullet which obliterates the human race, but our inability to cross the street…

Dad, Carlo, and I were returning to the gallery from setting up an onsite auction.  Traveling through Throop in the pick-up truck, Dad was driving, I was in the passenger seat, and Carlo was in the back.  Our speed was neither too slow nor too fast coming down that hill, when I saw a man on my right begin a dash from a parking lot to the shoulder of the road we were traversing.  Common sense caused me to expect this pedestrian to continue to run–or even speed up–when he reached the road so he wouldn’t be struck by us.  However, this man, after making a mad run to the side of the road, stepped into the path of our vehicle and slowed down to a leisurely amble.  Dad, in turn, applied the brakes so as to not bowl over this simpleton.  Upon reaching the opposite shoulder, the man began to run again.

Do you see now?  Do you understand?  We’re doomed!  There is no hope.  Do you need further evidence of our inevitable extinction due to stupidity?  Then witness this list… my pontification of proof:

The Three Presidential Candidates: Much like a homeless man settles for Mad Dog 20/20, we have settled for them.  If this year’s presidential race was a cheap wine, it would be called Bugger You Bordeaux 2008.

The Recent Cyclone Tragedy in Burma: I refuse to call it Myanmar.  It’s a stupid name.  But these people have suffered thousands of deaths and over a million of them are homeless because a killer cyclone struck their country.  The Burmese government refuses to let in American and other foreign aid in the form of money, people, and supplies.  Then to hell with them!  There’s only two reasons that the Burmese don’t want us in there: 1. They’re hoping more will die so they can reduce the number of mouths they need to feed… Or 2. They’ve committed some kind of atrocity they don’t want the world to discover.  Either way, watch for President Bush to nuke them in an effort to save lives.

Ethanol: Farmers are being paid not to grow wheat, but to grow corn.  Why?  So we can put a more expensive, less efficient fuel called ethanol in our cars.  Ethanol, of course, is an alcohol.  Those who came up with this policy must have been drunk off their asses!  So when bread costs $20 a loaf and your automobile is running like crap, you’ll know why.

MTV: When I was a kid, MTV showed music videos, because MTV stood for Music Television.  However, as it no longer plays music videos, but incoherent crap that only makes sense if you’re huffing daddy’s gun cleaner, MTV now stands for Mindless Television.  After all, this network was the pioneer of modern so-called Reality TV, another piece in the puzzle of humanity’s ridiculousness.

American Idol: In the beginning, it was a singing competition.  Now it’s a dumb ass competition.

The Olympic Games: They’re in China this year.  I will not watch them.  I am personally boycotting the Olympics.  Why?  Because the Chinese government is the antithesis of the spirit of the games.  What the hell did the Tibetan Monks ever do to anybody?  You’d think the Chinese Commy bastards would want their whole population to embrace Budhism, then all of their citizens would be willing to accept the policies of oppression, censorship, and stick-whipping.

Religion: Religion has nothing to do with God, but everything to do with tragedy and bloodshed.  In the modern era, organized religion has perpetuated and given inspiration to so many wonderful things: War, genocide, terrorism, suicide bombers, oppression, intolerance, self-righteousness, bigotry, child molestation, and the forcing of underage girls into plural marriages.  All in the name of God…  God is cool, but religion sucks when it’s used as the basis for domination and death dealing.

So it’s kind of a Catch 22.  The aliens protect us from space rocks because we’re the greatest Reality TV Show in the quadrant and our ratings are up.  If we ever deviate from this path of self-destruction, we’ll be cancelled and the E.T.s will let the asteroids wipe us out.  If we want to continue this existence, albeit one of monumental absurdity, we must continue to get dumber and dumber so that our entertainment value does not dwindle and our performances don’t become stale, that is, until that day when a fireball ends it all.  Either way, we’re doomed.

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